tips for raising eq for intjs

First off, Happy Earth Day!

I answered this recently on Quora and going to give the answer here too. 

With being very close to INTJ’s and that you requested I answer going to give this a shot.

Female ENTJ here. I’d gather some of the ways to tell if an EQ is low could be applied to some extent to ENTJ too, this is specific for INTJ though.

How to improve EQ as an INTJ:

Observe others in social situations who you gather have a higher EQ than you

Observe their reactions to bad news, to the excitement, to good news, to chaos, to someone being vulnerable with them, and so on. 

From a birds-eye view analyze their reactions. Then try out a few of those reactions to various stimuli in social situations to see how they feel for you and how effective they are for you with the outcome from the receiving person. Example: I often did not know how to react to super bad news.

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I observed others’ reactions over the years and experimented with myself and then came to my own unique reactions that feel at this point naturally for me.

Practice those reactions above and analyze someone’s reaction to your emoting. 

Eventually, it will feel like a habit and you will have a response ready to go when something comes up that you are unsure how to react to. 

Also, you will start to have a toolbox of responses to various situations, practiced, that sound and feel natural.

Read as many personal development books as possible related to being in the present moment, love languages, mediation, relationships…anything that will enhance your own understanding of yourself. To truly understand, embrace, and accept oneself leads to truly understanding others.

Attend events to practice some of these new skills. There are groups that have connection games where you can practice and get feedback on how well the other person feels connected to you. I think these are called “Relation games”. Check out if there is something similar in your area.

Ask people in your inner circle (as long as you are in healthy relationships) how you can improve on meeting their emotional needs.

Practice taking accountability that while you are learning to have a higher EQ that there might have been and might still be times that you hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally. If you can in those moments with loved ones, practice taking ownership of those times and present times. 

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Example: Someone is needing you to listen to them and they don’t want a solution (as hard as it sounds to not give a solution) they keep talking and you know the right answer to what they are saying. Then you say something you think is a great solution and right. You think you are being helpful. They get upset because they really didn’t want a solution and they didn’t want you to prove or act how right you are to them. 

At that moment it can be good to say something along the lines of, “Oh gosh I was unaware you were not seeking a solution and I’m doing that thing again where I have to be right. I’m so sorry. I can ask you next time if you want me to listen or if you want a solution. Will that be good? How can I be here for you at this moment? No one has to be right in this conversation, I just want you to feel listened to.”

Practice, observe, and learn empathy, especially for loved ones.

To answer the second question: How do you know if your EQ is low: (Some examples below yet not limited to)

When people get a glazed-over look in their eyes when you answer them about something they just shared with you.

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When people continuously ask you to explain more because they do not truly understand what you mean the first few times or the first time.

When people keep asking you, “Are you going to say something? Gosh, I just shared something so personal with you and nothing, are you really not going to say anything?”

If you zone out when someone is telling you something very vulnerable.

When someone accidentally hurts themselves and you have no reaction, maybe only a blank stare. (Empathy can be learned and practiced as well.)

The above are all potential areas of growth and can be practiced and improved on, especially for a healthy INTJ, there is nothing insurmountable.

 

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Hoping this article finds you well, and as always we love to hear from you in the comments!

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I observed others’ reactions over the years and experimented with myself and then came to my own unique reactions that feel at this point naturally for me. 

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