why you attract narcissists
You might be the best specimen to attract a Narc, without knowing it. If you are in a Narc relationship ‘for the kids’, or because you believe they will change, or learn new ways, I respect you, no judgement here. We are here to create awareness and come together in light, in health, in peace, and well-being.
The average amount of times someone goes back to Narc relationships is 9 times. It is almost impossible to break the trauma bonds to Narcs. There will need to be new habits formed, new neural pathways, it will feel as if you are weening yourself off of a drug if you do leave or are ‘discarded’ by the Narc. Often, we do not realize we are bonded chemically until we aim to leave and then we relapse with their ‘hoover’.
They are also addicted to abusing us and gaining negative or positive fuel from us. Although we know we are aware on some level we are being abused, all we crave is for the person to come back and ‘heal our wounds’. Usually, when the Narc discards, it is in an extremely unhealthy way, in order to leave open wounds, for them to aim to come back and ‘fake’ heal for the abused. They might discard before an important holiday, when on holiday, after they make sure to tell you they have a new girlfriend they are leaving you for, in front of your family, at your wedding, it will for sure be at the worst time, to create the maximum pain and hurt possible.
You might be with a Narc if you are experiencing:
the same issues coming up with no resolution (even if you thought you all had some to one),
you over analyze things they say and they don’t EVER make sense (seemingly irrational erratic behavior),
it is always your fault,
their behavior is so repulsive towards you do not want to tell your friends or family about it,
loss of sleep because of ups and downs in the relationships,
you make excuses for their behavior such as, ‘they were stressed,’ ‘it must be there horrible childhood,’
they threaten leaving or other things, especially if you disagree with them,
promises are made that never seem to quite happen,
small things seem as huge things in the relationships plus unsolvable,
you feel nothing you ever do is good enough,
you feel tired all the time,
you feel a shortness of breath when you are around this person, you start having an irregular heart beat,
they seem they only want to bring you down,
they are not there for you when there are hard times,
their flying monkey’s seem to know everything and give you the ‘stink eye,’ when you come into the room, (interestingly they barely know you…)
they take credit for your achievements,
you have dreams of them doing horrible things to you,
they consistently do things they said they would never do again,
they raise their voice when you disagree with them,
they care a little too much about what other people think of them,
it feels like you are always in a constant competition with them in their heads,
they minimize your accomplishments to your face yet brag to others about your success,
your feelings don’t matter to them,
you are blamed for everything,
you don’t have the right to be ‘tired’,
and you have found evidence of them flirting or searching for a new person on their social media.
This article will aim to display to you WHY you were seen as a grade A fuel source by the Narc.
There will be another article published soon on the RED FLAGS to look for to know someone is a Narc.
After understanding these reasons, please continue showing up as the amazing person you are, strong, full of light, successful, and understanding. Work with a professional to understand unhealthy patterns, healing childhood wounds, understanding the red flags, and how to set great boundaries moving forward.
If you are recovering or in a Narc relationship, it’s high time you put yourself first, and take your well-being seriously.
Stop allowing anyone to take your kindness for granted, say hurtful things to you, demean you, hold you in contempt, and give distance from this kind of person immediately in the healthiest way possible.
They will eventually take all of your light.
Most of us may think to attract an abusive toxic unhealthy person, there must be something broken about us. This is false.
We are told in society we are broken if we have divorced, or are single by a certain age.
Society tells us ‘divorced’ people are broken.
We often look at divorced people and call them, ‘damaged’, or judge them on not ‘being able to keep a healthy relationship.’
When someone is in a relationship with a Narc, cluster B personality type, or mental illness is present, believe me, they probably did everything to have a healthy relationship and left or were discarded when they understood it was not possible to have anything healthy with this person.
We must aim to bring awareness and understanding to these issues, rather than judgement.
If you have divorced a Narc unscathed, you are a hero(ine). Not everyone gets out safely. More advice at the end, if you are contemplating divorce with a Narc.
The truth is they DID aim to ‘break us’ in a relationship with them, with subtle or not so subtle insults, demeaning language, and contempt.
It was their ultimate goal to ruin our lives and take the happiness from our souls for themselves.
They will never be happy.
PLEASE remember if they have moved on to another partner they are not happy with them either. It was not you.
It was you who attracted them, you most likely glossed over the first warning signs, and this is why you are here. Yet first of all you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have to stop blaming yourself.
They need to rely on external sources for taking their fuel or their happiness. With or without what you do for them, or give them, it will never be enough.
They will set impossible bars for you to hit or hoops for you to jump through and wild expectations (you should have known about), once you jump through those hoops, they will set higher bars for you, the cycle is never-ending.
You will not win, it is never enough for them.
All the while, they are giving compliments and grooming other fuel-sources, hence starting the process of cheating or about to cheat, while asking you to jump through hoops for them.
They also love conflict it gives them fuel source, negative fuel source is source too!
Remember the more they are devaluing you, the more likely they are already grooming potential fuel sources knowing full well you will get fed up with them eventually or not be able to give enough.
Here we will dive into what attracted them to you, in the first place.
I am almost positive, as everyone has, there are some childhood wounds we all need to face and let go of, with a professional or coach.
However, since almost the whole population has childhood wounds, some greater than others, it goes deeper than this to why you might be attracting Narcs.
Research shows about 80% of Narcs are men, therefore when I refer to Narcs in this article I will most likely use the pronoun ‘he’.
I understand some men reading this have had horrible experiences with female Narcs too, and our heart goes out to you.
Narcs often know in the first 30 seconds whether you are a grade A fuel source or not. When I say fuel, I am referring to you giving them a steady healthy flow of the 3 A’s. The 3 A’s are: Adoration, Attention, Adulation.
A fuel source is similar to a gas pump, when we get gas at the gas station we do not think about the gas pumps next to the other ones, we just aim to get gas. They want the gas, they do not care essentially exactly who it comes from or how much they take.
They will blame the women for giving too much.
They will say phrases, these are phrases that hopefully make you stop and say, WHAT THE HELL, they are when they are explaining to their friends or to you as to why something with another women did not work out, or why another women was mad with them,
‘well, seriously, she was asking for it,’
‘she opened herself to me without much effort, her choice,’
‘it was so funny to get her to do things she initially said she had never done, it was so easy haha,’
‘she fell for me so easily, who knows why, I was clear with her I didn’t care about her like that,’
‘she didn’t care that I was married or had a girlfriend, what a trashy women, no morals, then she fell in love with me, knowing full well I’m already committed,’
‘she didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t want anything serious, then when she got serious with me, I was like, ok bye,’
‘she actually wanted me to stay and ‘cuddle’ after sex, she knew I wasn’t her boyfriend,’
‘she was demanding, always controlling me,’
‘she wants child support when I gave her everything before, nope, she’s not getting child support from me, I will always find a way to never give her anything from me ever again,’
‘she was so young probably she just didn’t know better, younger than you, well that was fun at least to be with such a young woman,’
‘Ya she just lost it, broke things, and wow she had no self-control,’
‘She cheated on me, can you believe the nerve of her, on me, me of all people,’
If you hear a man you care about saying these things about other women, believe me, and those who have these, if you stay, you will most likely be next. A lot of these are projections as well.
We must question when men say these sorts of things about other women, and question if they say their ex was ‘crazy’, or all women are ‘crazy, dramatic…’.
I am sorry if this hurts, it is to educate, and create understanding of the Narc’s behavior to increase awareness to prevent pain.
This is the reality of a true Narc’s psychology and what they think of people, as objects. As extensions of themselves, and what they can give them in the type of fuel source they will or will not be. This might be family members, children, co-workers, achievements at work, attention at parties, pets, and lovers.
The circle and mix of people who enable a Narc’s toxic behavior are usually referred to as their ‘flying monkeys’.
These flying monkeys will always believe the Narc, be on their side, make excuses for them, and minimize the toxic behavior they display and are usually a mix of good friends and family.
Often Narc parents either raise more Narcs or they raise co-dependents. Be careful with your Narc partner’s parents because they are often either Narcs or co-dependents themselves, you know something is not right.
Do not be mad at yourself for having any of these traits.
This list is to increase awareness.
There are professionals, counselors, coaches to work with in understanding ourselves more to help us be more Narc-proof. To be able to see the red flags easier before being hooked in.
Even if completely hooked in, there are professionals to help us become unhooked and build strength to leave the unhealthy behavior which will kill us slowly from the inside out, and ruin our lives.
Eventually, if we do not leave we will have no soul left, the Narc will decompose every last bit of our soul into themselves, and it still will not be enough for them. It is never enough. When we are completely broken down, no self-esteem left, nothing left to give, soulless, perhaps sick, in the hospital, completely decomposed by the Narc, they will leave you for a bright new source of fuel or they are already cheating.
They will not blink at their vows, their promises will go out the window, they will have no conscience towards you because it was impossible for them to form an emotional bond from the beginning.
YOU WILL THINK THIS AT ONE POINT
You will most likely think, ‘How can a person who tells me they love me, made promises to me, do this?’
They future faked with you until you were hooked.
THE NARCS ATTACHMENT STYLE
They do not have the tools to make healthy attachments with anyone. They most likely had anxious or unhealthy emotional attachments with their caregivers in childhood. Therefore, they NEVER had a healthy emotional bond with you. NO MATTER how much they ‘future-faked’ with you, or said vows, or made empty promises. It was all empty, all fake. Do not aim to fix them. We cannot ‘fix’ anyone. They will most likely have anxious and avoidant attachment styles to you and to others.
You are right to think, it makes no sense and how someone could do this to me if they truly loved me.
You are probably feeling, ‘I will never do this to someone I loved.’
I am sure you would not. Yet they will, and if you stay it will GET WORSE!
While they are devaluing you (second stage, after love bombing), they are thinking, ‘Wow I can get away with this (abuse, crazy-making, drama, insults, demeaning words, contempt) and they will stay, I wonder how much further I can push them before there is no point of return (while laughing inside)? They are stronger than I thought, this is a fun game, wow they seem unbreakable, maybe I can try something else to break them. It seems they will take it, ok, this is a great person for me, if I see signs that they will not take my abuse, I’m out of here. Hum, let me keep looking around on social media to start ‘grooming’ some new fuel sources incase they decide to ‘act up’ (i.e. decide to STOP putting up with my abuse), I need to have someone to turn too.’
Let us not sugar coat this, it is crazy-making irrational behavior. Most likely you were told you were the crazy one, you were dramatic, too sensitive, irrational, a cheater, you will just not ever be as smart as them (why even try), and made to feel like a piece of trash (or told directly you are trash)…Projections.
NOTHING EVER MAKES LOGICAL SENSE WITH THE NARC
After you are discarded, or you break up with them, everything comes flooding in. All the memories might feel unbearable and please reach out to a professional to support you in processing them, or write them down in a journal. It helps a lot to have a community or a professional who is well verse in narcs. Do not keep all of this poison, or resentment inside, find a way to release it. It is not yours to hold onto.
All promises go out the window when they feel you are no longer a grade A fuel source. Even though they were the ones to take ALL your fuel. Even though there are different expectations for you than there are for themselves.
Gas lighting you to believe it did not ever happen, and EVERYTHING is your fault.
While you are analyzing everything, aim to come to common ground, they are not analyzing their side at all. They will however analyze what you can improve, while never reflecting on their own side of things. Therefore, nothing will ever improve. As another Narc specialist states, we cannot build a house with 2 walls, we need the other person’s walls, we need to be a team.
AT SOME POINT YOU WILL LOSE YOUR LIGHT
Before you get to the point of being completely lost in spirit, please bring awareness to yourself. We want full souls, whole people, happy people in our network, you deserve this. You deserve the happiness you once had before it was taken, you deserve a healthy whole person to be in a loving relationship with (if you desire a relationship). You deserve to have ultimate self-love and belief in your abilities.
If you are on the other side of a discard, do not worry we are here to bring awareness, and the light will start to come back, faster than you thought.
Here are some of the key points of WHY you are attracting Narcs & WHY they love these qualities in their targets, their FUEL SOURCES:
- Your boundaries are often blurred with people you care about.
(Super fun for the Narc to push your boundaries beyond the point of no return. They will happily destroy all of your blurry boundaries, ‘what boundaries?’ they will say. The best if you over look boundaries they cross and don’t bring it up.)
- You compromise your morality when pressured.
(The Narc will love to pressure you to do all kinds of things for them against your morality, it will be fun for them, i.e. the Devil’s work.)
- You have unresolved childhood wounds you are not dealing with, i.e. you are a walking open wound without knowing it.
(This is like blood to a vampire or a shark with a Narc. They will smell these wounds and subject you to pure torture related to making these wounds deeper. Getting your hooked line and sinker to them.)
- You have not forgiven people in your family, you talk negatively about your kids/ family/ friends.
(The Narc will LOVE to isolate you even more. This way you will feel they are the only people who truly care about you, think Stockholm Syndrome.)
- You are strong.
(This is why the Narc chooses you first of all, you can take their abuse and keep going, keep doing their dirty work, you can keep working hard while they are knocking you down. When you’re down and they kick you, you will get up without their help. Perfect for them. Make sure to get up, walk away, actually run away as fast as you can, quietly.)
- You are stable.
(Someone needs to be stable in the relationship, they already know it’s not them.)
- You are empathetic.
(This allows you to forgive them a few times and put yourself in their shows. They want you to have enough empathy for you and them both because they have none. Most likely any empathy they have is related to needing to get fuel in the moment, they can emulate empathy if needed, it will be fake.)
- You are successful.
(The Narc knows they are not stable, they need someone who will be or is already successful. They will most likely self-sabotage everything in their lives including their success. They will put immense PRESSURE on you to be more successful then they will not feel bad about jeopardizing both of your successes. They know they might leave at any time for a shinier fuel source and you need to be successful with or without them. Possibly, they will also love to gain fuel from their community regarding your success.)
- You are extremely rich or from a rich family.
(They might rush marriage to have half of your money. This will provide them with the fuel source of ‘looking good’ to their flying monkeys and those around them. They will not need to put much effort into working hard, which mostly they will only pretend to work hard while behind the scenes rely-ing on someone else’s resources. This will help them portray an image on social media of being rich.)
- You are ok to rush commitment.
(If you let them set the pace of the relationship, it will move at a blurry lightening speed, do not let this happen. You let them rush you into sex, into a relationship, into moving in together, and into a marriage. They will aim to lock you down fast, especially before you see the real them, before the mask falls off or cracks show. You might be feeling ‘swept off your feet’ because you will be. Do not let them or anyone set the pace of your relationships.)
- You do not rock the boat. You appear to want to keep the peace.
(The ultimate last thing a Narc wants is someone to ‘talk back’ to them, to question them, and to ‘make a big deal’ out of something horrible they did. It should be swept under the rug. Their flying monkey’s especially will not like you either if you rock the boat. Things should be done how the Narc says they should be or how the Narc’s flying monkeys think, no questions asked. They can rock YOUR boat, or ask you questions, and criticize you or your families’ every move, yet DO NOT at all costs question them. There will be hell to pay if you disagree with them. This might be the number one deterrent to repel a Narc. And one of the main ways to attract them is to be a people pleaser, and DO NOT rock the boat. Also, they love for you to have a good deposition all the time, even when they are being a jerk to you.)
- Always be giving, even when they are not.
(Be self-sacrificing even if they are not towards you. They want you to believe you are giving to the greater good. To the collective. Do not look into if they are giving to the collective because most likely their actions show they are not or will not. They want you to have the attitude of giving with receiving nothing in return, forever! They, on the other hand will only give if they know for sure they will get something in return. When they give they already have a plan about how they will take back the same or more from you eventually. They will only give to people, or be kind to people they feel can give them something in return presently or in the future.)
- Be a forgiving humble person.
(The Narc is not a humble person even if they are a covert Narc and emulate humbleness it is not real. They always need to be ‘doing better than everyone else’. They will always be in competition with you and everyone. Whether this is using someone else’s money or getting ahead in their own work. They will not easily forgive, if you disagree with them or leave them they will not ever forgive this narcissistic injury to their ego. When they make a horrible choice, you’ll be there to ‘understand’, ‘empathize’, and forgive them, yet they will not be there or plan to be there for you when you have a down time or make a mistake.)
- You are an overachiever and constantly growing.
(If you are constantly growing, their lack of introspection/ growth can be blamed-shifted on how you need to grow. If they are able to successfully blame shift everything to you all the time, you will be convinced on how you need to grow.)
- You are focused on personal development.
(Since you are fully focused on growing and development you will aim to ‘figure out’ why a person will behave in this way. You may say, ‘they had a horrible childhood’, ‘they didn’t mean it’, ‘they say bad things when they are triggered’, ‘they were just kidding’, always minimizing and making excuses for their ‘crazy-making horrible behavior, the best recipe for them to get by with unhealthy behaviors and demean you everyday.)
- You are a solution focused problem solver.
(You’re the person who can rescue people, you’re always there for people you love, they can count on you to offer solutions. You’ll clean it up. You are strong enough to handle others problems, people tell you everything. You can fully put yourself in their shoes. When the Narc sees this quality, they will expect you to clean up all their and their families (flying monkeys) messes, and there WILL ALWAYS be constant drama if you sign up for this. It will completely consume your life. The Narc is analyzing if you will take all of this on, while still BEING successful to support them.)
- Calm and patient person
(You may have worked hard to be a calm and patient person, and to let things roll off. This is perceived as a challenge to the Narc, to get you upset. It will be fun for them to find your buttons and push them until you explode. They want a calm person to be able to handle all the mess they will bring and cause for you. And have the ultimate patience with them to handle how they will never conquer their own demons, only give them to you while taking your light.)
- You love your public image. You can keep it together at all costs.
(Narcs CARE A LOT about their public image, and if you do too, well this is music to their ears. They know you will take all kinds of abuse behind closed doors and then get it together to go in front of their flying monkeys’ because you care what others’ think too. You desire others think you are great and you don’t express yourself about what is really going on. Better if you are a person who keeps things inside and acts as if your public image is more important than your own personal well-being. They are the ultimate perfectionist especially of others, not usually of themselves, all the time. If you do lose it one day from their abuse, they will be happy to say, ‘look I said she was crazy, ha, well I was right, see,’ because they have already started your smear campaign. They want someone they can yell at in public, or raise their voice in the car while others can hear, and that person won’t say anything back. Run, quietly.)
- You are on board to portray a perfect image on social media.
(Narcs want EVERYONE to see their polished image on social media. They will be the last ones to admit any fault, and any hard times on social media…if you look on their highly filtered feed you will see only positive, perfect posts about their achievements, their perfect families, their perfect lives, holidays, smiling faces of perceived happiness, they want everyone to be convinced that they have it ALL together, and a WAY better life than everyone else. They WILL expect you to join in on the perfection, and fake-ness.)
- You will not compete with them, yet you will be successful in your own space.
(This is a double edged sword. They want you to make a lot of money to support their perfect image and your families perfect image. Yet if you are more successful than them they may secretly hate you and aim to destroy your success. One of the only ways they can be ok with you making a lot of money is if they can attribute YOUR success to them helping you, even if they don’t help you, they will most likely tell all their flying monkeys (and anyone who will listen) how your success is ONLY because of them.)
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE
Now that you are aware of these, it does not mean to stop being yourself, it means to be a lot more vigilant as to who you give your resources too. Have and cultivate a lot more self-love, and be able to give yourself love, support, and nourishment, while alone. Let people slowly earn your trust, and hold your boundaries like your life depends on it, and it does. Let someone earn being in their inner circle, take your sweet merry time, access this person before including them into your life. Access what you will tell them about your personal life. Take your time. Do not rush into big relationship milestones. If you decide to introduce them to your children, let your children have an opinion about the new person in their life, or if it is their parent, shield your kids from this abuse as much as possible.
Red Flag article is coming. Little sneak peak — The biggest red flag is the lack of empathy. Notice if they are truly listening when you say things about having a bad day. Analyze if they are they present.
For those contemplating divorce with a Narc, please read:
Disclaimer: I’m not a lawyer, yet have been through divorce with an Narc, and have been in a few serious relationships with overt and covert Narcs.
If you are contemplating this, have had enough of the irrational, crazy-making, toxic, abusive behavior, negative false projections onto you and you’ve done everything possible to have healthy communication and a healthy relationship with this person…I would advise you to get your things in order quietly (i.e. speaking with lawyer about your rights, and secure your bank accounts) and leave almost silently, then fall off the radar. DO NOT CALL THEM OUT on being a Narc. If you have started talking to lawyers, DO NOT SHARE YOUR PLANS WITH THEM or where you were.
DO NOT THREATEN THEM, even if they are threatening you (they most likely will) to intimidate you. Even if they are shouting at you, do not react, go grey rock method, you can easily end up in jail for reacting in these moment. It is not worth it, do not meet them where they are. You must stay in your integrity.
If you need to let them believe it is their idea in their ridiculous discard phase (which repeats if you get back together with them after breaking up) they will say things that will break your spirit down (this is the goal), let it roll off, and put YOUR WELL BEING FIRST.
You do not need to show others who they really are by sending messages to their flying monkeys or mutual friends, they will show themselves to everyone eventually, and ‘make their own bed’.
This is the ultimate lesson in self-love.
You will win by loving yourself through this process. If you are a spiritual person, call in God, your angels, and all your guides to guide you and give you light, we are not dealing with only the flesh here, we are dealing with true evilness.
When you feel lonely, remember you are still with yourself, and give yourself the love they cannot give you. Give as much as possible to yourself. Put yourself first.
Your health, well-being, and peace of mind is more important than your ego, than saving face, than what anyone thinks about you.
Here is a great song and the lyrics to hopefully aid you through the process of the discard phase or if you decided to leave. https://genius.com/Aerotique-over-feat-tara-mobee-lyrics
HOW TO GET IN TOUCH
“They need to rely on external sources for taking their fuel or their happiness. With or without what you do for them, or give them, it will never be enough. “
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