WHAT I LEARNED FROM GETTING RAPED BY AN ENERGY HEALER
For most of 2018, I was living a lie.
I haven’t been sharing my whole truth, I’ve been hiding.
For months, I was in denial about this, put on a strong front, and just hoped it would go away.
It took me five months before I could even admit I needed professional help.
It took me nine months to work up the courage to tell my family.
In August 2018, on a sunny afternoon the week before my 30th birthday, I was raped by an “energy healer” alone in my apartment.
Six weeks later, days before being the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding, I discovered I was pregnant from the rape, and proceeded to have an abortion in the following days.
Less than one year into my new entrepreneurial path as a coach, I felt spiritually and energetically open for the first time in my life. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was seriously lacking boundaries, and attracting all sorts of new people into my life because of it.
In the weeks before I met him, I’d been gaining an awareness of stories I’d been telling myself for years…
Why I felt better off alone than in a relationship…
Why it didn’t feel safe to own my feminine energy…
Why attention from men made me feel uncomfortable…
Why my sexual energy felt shameful.
I knew I didn’t want these beliefs to continue to control my life and I was ready to heal them and move forward. So of course it felt synchronistic when I met this man who told me he was a quantum energy healer. I was doing Reiki (another form of energy healing) at the time, as well as life coaching, and he suggested we do an energy exchange sometime.
A week later, he texted me to set it up and I agreed to it.
Even before he arrived at my place, something inside of me said this was not smart, that something was off. I chose to ignore it and told myself I needed to “be more open.”
He did a “reading” of my chakra system and told me I had blocks in my root and sacral chakras. I immediately told him that resonated with me because I’d been realizing all these narratives I’d been playing.
He offered to clear it and heal it all, and said the process would awaken my kundalini and would I be open to that?
I told him I’d heard of stimulating the lower chakras for manifestation, and is that what he meant? He said “Something like that.”
The next hour or so included him manipulating me into taking all my clothes off piece by piece until I was laying naked on my reiki table. He had me turn on music, close my eyes and start to do a three-part breath, with essentially sends you into a different dimension.
I expressed my discomfort, that the whole thing felt weird and I had a lot of shame coming up. He told me over and over that this was a safe space and the work he was doing was healing.
He chanted in a different language, I could feel him moving energy up my chakra system and out of my throat. He was touching me down there, which I had anticipated based on his allusiveness. Something in my distorted state of mind thought letting a stranger touch me was necessary for healing.
What I wasn’t prepared for was when he suddenly climbed on top of the table and proceed to start having sex with me. We hadn’t explicitly discussed this. How was this happening? Had I misunderstood what he meant?
It took all the breath out of my body. I went completely and utterly rigid. My physical body froze, and I left it for a period of time. Smashing his face into mine, he grunted why I wasn’t making any noise and demanded that I kiss him. I went into complete shock and remained motionless until it was over.
Afterward, I was so confused. I rationalized that I was a naive spiritual rookie because he boasted that he reserved this “first and second chakra work for only 10-20% of clients” and “some women got offended if he didn’t.” He told me he practiced tantric sex and could withhold ejaculation. I believed him and was not under the impression that he had.
After he left, I convinced myself that I was being a prude and asked for it. Feeling weird, I thought that maybe this is what people do and there are spiritual healing practices I’m unaware of. I decided to put this experience in a little box and tuck it away in the back of my mind- I couldn’t bare to think about it.
Had I not gotten pregnant, I’m not sure I would have ever consciously acknowledged and understood what happened.
Your mind has a way of running from the truth, doesn’t it? I busied myself with life- the next few weeks filled with my 30th birthday, a bachelorette party, and two weddings.
The word “rape”, and the realization that I’d been raped, didn’t hit me until I peed on two sticks and got two plus signs back around five weeks later. Suddenly, I woke up to the truth.
Pure fury. A complete invasion of my body. I was enraged.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t go into fight or flight. I think I’d been conditioned to believe that a rape has to be violent, and that our instinct is to scream and fight back and not allow it to happen. This experience showed me this isn’t always the case.
My therapist taught me months later that there is a third response that no one ever discussed: Freeze. This is common for rape or sexual assault. Paralyzation was my body’s instinctual way of escaping the trauma.
Getting the abortion made the whole trauma feel more real. It felt isolating, and quiet. No one at the clinic asks you why- as I’m sure many women don’t want to talk about it. I wanted to scream out my why. Instead I stayed quiet.
Please hear me now with these thoughts:
>> If you have experienced an assault before, and you are still shaming and judging yourself for freezing and not fighting- please forgive yourself. Sometimes we cannot control how our bodies respond, and it’s not your fault. It never was. I hope me telling this story gives you permission to free yourself of your guilt.
>> If you ever had to make the choice to get an abortion- please know that I see you and I stand with you. Your why does not matter- it is a difficult experience for anyone.
The worst shame comes from situations that you could have controlled, but didn’t. I felt like I betrayed myself and lost all sense of trust in my judgment from ignoring my intuition.
What confused me and triggered me more, was that this space that I was so passionate about- spirituality, energy, self-growth, suddenly felt tainted. It was a rude awakening realizing that there are people in the spiritual space that are preying on the vulnerability of others in so many ways.
I refused to let one man ruin my calling. In fact, I think I knew deep down that this all had a purpose, and that I got to use this for good in some way. But I wasn’t there just yet…I chose a complicated path to healing.
I wasn’t ready to tell my family, thinking it would cause them more pain. I also wasn’t in a position to pay for professional mental health support — nor did I feel like I needed it. I deluded myself that I was equipped with the tools to handle things alone.
Over the next few months, I proceeded to “busy” myself with work, burying myself in projects. I felt like a hamster on a wheel, not actually going anywhere.
I legitimately was not myself. I had on a mask and didn’t even realize it. If you saw me on the internet, I was acting like everything was peachy, posting inspirational content and selling new offers. I was acting like a total fraud and my awareness was clouded. I told close friends about it, but put on a strong front, convincing them and myself that I could handle anything.
My business ran almost completely dry for about 5 months. Have you ever had the Universe cut off your income streams as a way of getting you to pay attention? As many entrepreneurs are probably aware- you don’t ever actually have business problems, you have personal problems that bleed into your business.
When you choose to stuff your emotions and traumatic experiences in a closet instead of facing them head on and seeking the support you do need, the stench starts to seep into every area of your life.
It felt like my entire life was crumbling and covered by a dark cloud.
January 2019 felt like a fresh start and the beginning of my healing journey. For the first time I sat down and started to process everything.
I did EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) every week for four months with a trauma therapist. I connected a lot of dots, and healed some childhood wounds.
So many of our belief systems, perceptions of ourselves, and our lives are formed when we are kids. The thing you think is the thing, is never really the thing. Everything is connected and runs deep.
The rape was the symptom on the surface, and EMDR helped me to go back and recall the memories, recognize the patterns, and clear the beliefs surrounding me not trusting myself, being afraid to use my voice, and giving my power away.
I did a lot of self reflection, forgiving, accepting, and loving. I began slowly repairing things with my family. But finally feeling ready to tell them what actually happened, just a few short months ago changed everything. The disconnection, weird behavior, random relationship — it all made more sense.
Internally, it felt like a huge weight was lifted and I could breathe again. It also opened the floodgates in my business. It was as if my business had been energetically blocked for months, and suddenly it wasn’t anymore! I signed more clients in the month I told my family than I ever had in a 30 day period.
I felt a new elevated sense of power within me that I hadn’t felt before- it was freedom. Sharing this story really is the next step in my healing process, and I know there is still more to go. I don’t know if you ever feel like you receive a certificate of completion on stuff like this.
My biggest lessons have been with setting boundaries, trusting my intuition, and using my voice.
I finally filed a police report in January, but was still too afraid to move forward with the case. But, I know wasn’t the first woman he did this to. And I’m afraid I won’t be the last. The thought of that haunts me, and I can’t sit by and let that happen.
With my new sense of power in using my voice, I feel a new sense of responsibility. I do not want another woman to have to go through what I went through. Not taking action on this is now a privilege, and I refuse to be that selfish.
Narcissistic and sociopathic men who use spirituality as a front to violate women is not a new concept as I’ve come to realize- but it’s one that needs to be talked about more.
Here is what I want to say to you in all of this:
Sometimes we have to break wide open in order to come back in even more fullness than before. We find ourselves in the depths of our shadows.
Also, there is so much power in our vulnerability.
When we choose to stand up and share our truth, even when we’re afraid- of feeling exposed, of what others might think or say, of it being too much, of not wanting to burden others….that is when we embody our true power.
We don’t just heal another layer of ourselves, but we give others an opportunity to heal their own wounds when we tell our stories. I know that me coming out with this will help so many feel less guilt, shame, and isolation.
Please know that you don’t have to hide or pretend your life is perfect. No one has it all together, even if it looks like they do on the internet!
And maybe you’re still processing things, maybe you’re not ready to share just yet, but please, I beg of you- don’t avoid your trauma. It will catch up with you, and if you ignore it long enough, it will affect every area of your life, from finances, to relationships, to health. There is no shame in seeking support.
I want to remind you of the most empowering part of going through something difficult: all challenging experiences have gifts and lessons in them. You chose it at a soul level in order to grow. Can you find peace in that? Can you trust that?
You get to choose whether you want to make victimhood your identity, or if you want to use your experience as an opportunity for growth and a platform to help others heal. Choose growth.
Lastly- remember that your intuition never ever lies to you. Your mind can talk you in or out of anything, your heart can be charged with so much emotion that sometimes it can blind you, but your gut always, always knows. If something doesn’t feel right or good- listen.
I have this deep knowing that me expressing this is just the beginning of a beautiful new chapter of this healing journey. Through this experience I’ve learned we get to create purpose from our pain. And my purpose is even higher than I realized.
I now know that I’m truly meant to empower women to own their truth- all of it. Not just their desires, but their stories, their messiness, their raw soul truth. And then use that truth to create massive impact in the world. You get to feel free, full, and live life overflow. You deserve all of that.
“Giving everyone these tools to observe, withdraw, and not absorb toxic energy is the ultimate way to continue living in our highest selves.“
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